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The Book of Genesis
Chapter 7: And They Were Witches.

¹Two by two... of the clean animals and the unclean, of the birds, and of everything that crawls, male and female, they all came to Noah, into the ark, just as God had commanded. ²Then the rains poured down. And the fountains of the great deep burst forth, and floodgates of the skies were flung open.

³Noah, a steadfast and faithful servant of God, manned the ark and oversaw the boarding of all creatures great and small. ⁴Noah and his sons: Shem, Ham, and Japheth, were the only men aboard the ark... but we know they were not the only people.

⁵Gloria, Noah's wife, and their daughters-in-law, Tanisha and Maeeda, were also aboard the ark. And they were witches. ⁶The rains had fallen for ten days already, long enough to have wiped out a quarter of the earth's population. The rains would fall for thirty more.

⁷The three witches had one duty. To thwart the flood.

⁸Tanisha flew in through the ark's window, shifting from a raven, back to her human form. Then she ran down to the ark's bunker where Gloria and Maeeda waited.

"Tell us, what befalls those out there?" Gloria squeezed her hands with nerved anticipation.

"The flatlands are gone." Tanisha shook off the water in her hair, the wet down feathers on her arms and legs slowly disappearing into her skin. "People have fled up the mountains, but soon, they too will perish."

⁹The raging flood crashing and thrashing against the ark confirmed Tanisha's testimony. For ten days, the rains had pelted on the roof above. It was the sound of falling rocks. ¹⁰Gathered in a circle, the witches struggled to find balance as the ark rose and fell in the waves.

"We must act quickly," Gloria inhaled, looking to her daughters-in-law. Her daughters-in-law looked to her.

¹¹Though Noah's immediate family was safe: his wife, his sons, and his daughters-in-law, there were those on the ark whose families perished outside the ark. Gloria had eleven siblings, three aged parents, and an old family cat. None were aboard the ark. Maeeda came from a large kindred, of cousins, aunts, nephews, and nieces, stretching from Babel to the gates of Eden. ¹²None were aboard the ark.

¹³Before the flood began, Gloria had sent a raven to her siblings, and they had sent one back. We depart for the ark, their parchment had read. But as they had hastened towards the ark, God sealed the doors shut. ¹⁴From Tanisha's scoutings, she had spotted Gloria's siblings high up on Mount Kilimanjaro. They were battered and ill, but they were safe. Not for long.

"We must choose for the sacrifice." Gloria pulled out a sack from underneath her woolen garments. The sack held four stones, each engraved with the names of her husband and her sons. One for Noah. One for Shem. One for Ham. One for Japheth.

"We need not choose. I willingly volunteer my husband, Ham, as tribute." Tanisha patriotically stepped forward, straightening her robe. "The hour is nigh. Let us go kill him." The young witch drew her blade, a smile flooding her face, wickedness brewing in her big doe eyes.

"Tanisha, please." Maeeda rubbed her forehead. Tanisha's propensity for wanton murder was getting a bit exhausting.

"Tanisha, the sacrifice demands we pick at random," Gloria reminded her.

"Right." A disappointed Tanisha sheathed her blade. Disappointed, but not defeated. Her time would come.

¹⁵And so Gloria shook the bag, and the women drew stones. ¹⁶Out came Shem, then Noah, then Ham. And last of all, the sacrificial choice, Japheth.

"Nine hells!" It was Tanisha. She had hoped it would be Ham.

"Perhaps—perhaps we could pick again." Maeeda turned sympathetically to Gloria. "We—we know Japheth is your most beloved child."

"No." Gloria heaved. It was a struggle. "Japheth is a virgin. The potency of the sacrifice will be irreproachable. He is perfect."

"Still, as a mother, this must be painful for—"

"Oh, shut up, Maeeda!" Tanisha rolled her big eyes. "You're only saying this because you fancy Japheth and were looking forward to adultering with him."

"Tanisha!" Maeeda rushed for her.

"I wonder what your precious Shem would think about that." Tanisha backed away from Maeeda's reach. "And can we stop pretending we like our husbands. I know you both enjoy having me be the psycho husband-murdering witch, which I am fine with, but your self-righteousness is becoming tedious," Tanisha drew out the words, her glare fixed on Maeeda.

"We have a world-ending ego-fueled catastrophe to avert." Gloria painfully massaged her temples, her patience tried and tested. The babbling baboons high up in the ark beams were contributing significantly to the migraine that had ailed her for the past ten days. "Comport yourselves!"

¹⁷And the younger witches comported themselves. They began erecting an altar, for the sacrifice. They had built a lot of altars in the past, so this was light work. ¹⁸They were always building altars. They built an altar whenever God was moody. They built an altar when Noah caught an STD after getting into a threesome with the innkeeper and his wife. They built an altar whenever an owl hooted thrice in a row—which was all the time.

¹⁹The two barn owls aboard the ark were thankfully not the hooting type. They followed the witches everywhere, and now they watched them build the altar.

"Isaac must have been distraught watching his father, Abraham, build an altar with plans of sacrificing him on it." Maeeda looked up at the ever-watching owls. Her eyes briefly flashed white, her pupils gone.

"Who?" Tanisha raised an angry brow, an altar stone in her hand.

"Abraham?"

"Who in Jehovah's name is Abraham?"

"Noah's ancestor..." Maeeda thought about it for a minute, the creases on her forehead deepening. "... or was it his descendant?"

"Are you seeing into the future again?" Tanisha snapped her fingers in Maeeda's face, snapping her out of it. "Get that under control before you plunge us into a prophetical disaster. The one we are in is bad enough!"

²⁰And stone by stone, brick by brick, they completed the altar. ²¹And instead of fire and wood, they cast water onto the stones.

"Are you certain about this?" Maeeda came to stand next to Gloria, as Tanisha emptied pails of water on the stones.

"It is what the sacrifice demands."

²²After flooding the altar with water, it was time for the sacrificial lamb. Japheth.

Chapter 7: The Two Who Wrestled in The Hay.

²³Japheth was the youngest son of Gloria and Noah. He was also their only unmarried child. ²⁴Two days after boarding the ark, while Japheth raked away bison shit, he had found a stowaway hiding in the hay. Their name was Sata. Japheth had run to beckon his father and brothers. ²⁵But Sata tackled him to the ground. A fierce struggle ensued, the braying bellows of the bisons drowning out the fight. Japheth's fist found Sata's jaw. Sata's elbow struck Japheth's nose. Japheth's hands squeezed tight around Sata's neck. Sata's tongue down Japheth's throat. ²⁶Japheth's penis in Sata's mouth.

²⁷Young Japheth had been a virgin up until that point. But this encounter with Sata, it shifted something in him. It was in the way Sata touched him, like he was communion bread, like his lips were grape wine, and Sata was thirsty. It was in the way Sata held him, like he was scripture. ²⁸Sata touched him, and young Japheth was born again.

²⁹And Sata was beautiful. The most beautiful girl. The most beautiful boy. Japheth was not sure. ³⁰Sometimes, Sata was a tall, slender-muscled lad. Sometimes, Sata was a freckled girl with wandering eyes, and braids reaching for the ark floor. Sometimes, they were a giant. Sometimes, they had horns. Sometimes, they had a broken halo. ³¹But Japheth was certain of one thing; there was none more divine than Sata. ³²Sata's eyes were stars in rivers of glass. Their body was bamboo, the way it bent, the way it swayed. Their skin was fleece dimpling under Japheth's fingers. And their hair was brown brown bark, it was white white clouds. ³³Sometimes, Japheth wondered if he would ever be as beautiful.

"Beauty is many things," Sata kissed his collarbone.

"You must stop reading my mind."

"I am not," Sata smiled, squeezing their small naked body further into Japheth's own naked body, like a bird settling into its nest. ³⁴Bodies drawn in sweat and heat, chests rising and falling, they had just finished two bouts of acrobatic lovemaking. ³⁵Against Japheth's rough chestnut skin, Sata's was an oiled night. It was darkness finding light. It was black fire. ³⁶Japheth traced his hand from their shoulder, down to their waist, to their thighs.

"That—that thing you did with your tongue, I thought my heart would explode."

Sata giggled. "You did explode."

³⁷A shyness found Japheth's cheeks, and he looked away. ³⁸And Sata became an enormous man, towering over Japheth, pulling him closer. Japheth was the small one now. ³⁹He liked being the small one sometimes, being tugged at like he weighed a feather, being pulled. None of the girls he had kissed before the flood had been able to pull him this way.

"Where did you learn all this?"

"To shift?"

"Oh—oh no." Japheth had never thought to ask why the person he'd been bedding for the past eight days sometimes grew horns. The bisons forced to watch their intense carnalities probably had thoughts. "The way that you love."

"I had a lover once." A sadness rolled into Sata's voice. "He taught me many things, and I taught him many things."

"Who is this lover?"

"He is a king."

"Of which kingdom?"

"Many kingdoms." Sata pulled away, hugging themself. "It is from him I hide in your ark."

Japheth saw it in the way Sata's body withdrew. They were still a big hulking man, but they were also small, fear finding all the corners of their being.

"Tell me." Japheth held Sata. "What happened?"

"I became too beautiful."

"Oh."

"Beauty is many things. Sometimes it is pain."

Japheth kissed Sata's forehead. "He will perish in this flood and will never bring you pain again. I promise."

"I believe you, young Japheth... but only for today."

⁴⁰They usually did not get to lie around and hold each other, to savor each other's bodies like milk and sugarcane. ⁴¹The ark, three hundred cubits long, fifty cubits wide, and thirty cubits high, had too much work waiting. The animals had to be fed and contained from butchering each other. The cypress wood had to constantly be coated in pitch, to keep the waters from leaking in. There were holes that needed patching, cows that needed milking, and shit that needed raking. ⁴²Shem was already on his neck for slinking off at odd hours, but this time, Japheth did not care. This time, he did not yank on his pants and dash off. ⁴³This time, Japheth stayed.

"Japheth!"

The sound of his name jolted him awake.

"Someone is coming." Sata moused away, further into the haystack.

"Japheth!" His name came again. It was not his father. It was not Shem or Ham.

"Mother." Japheth crawled out from under the bison enclosure to meet Gloria. "I was just cleaning out the pens. Did you need me for something?"

"Oh, my boy," Gloria's hand went to his cheek, down to his shoulders. "I've looked everywhere for you." Her eyes were glassy and moist.

"Are you well, mama?"

Japheth did not know his mother to be overly affectionate. She was adequate and practical, and her love was not boundless.

"Yes, yes." Gloria took back her hand. "I just needed help moving some... furniture...in the bunker."

"Okay..." Japheth wasn't sure he had ever seen any furniture in the bunker. "I'll come once I'm done here."

Chapter 7: The Sacrifice.

⁴⁴Japheth walked into the bunker and the witches jumped him. Tanisha and Maeeda bound his limbs in ropes and gagged his mouth before dragging him to the altar. ⁴⁵Japheth fought, and Japheth tore, but it was useless against unyielding catastrophe-averting witches. ⁴⁶The apes swinging in the beams above howled and chattered, heralding his capture, and imminent slaughter. ⁴⁷Japheth managed to wiggle out of the gag, and then he screamed, but the raging storm outside drowned his screams. The witches threw him onto the watery altar.

"Is—is this an altar?" A bound Japheth twisted and turned to confirm if he'd been dropped on an altar. "Are you—are you going to sacrifice me?"

"Yes." Tanisha did not mince words.

⁴⁸Gloria and Maeeda promptly began to draw runes and enchantments on the bunker grounds, spiraling the white chalk around the altar.

"What—why?!"

"We are going to stop the flood."

Japheth paused. "Stop—stop the flood? What does that even mean? Why would you want to do that? How are you going to do that?" he blurted all at once.

"You selfish little cunt," Tanisha yanked his hair back to look into his face. "Your father, mother, and brothers might be in here; ours are out there!" She let go of him with a shove. "And as to how we intend to stop the flood, well, surprise, surprise, we're witches," Tanisha smirked a witchy smirk.

Japheth blinked twice. "Oh."

⁴⁹Tanisha's smirking faded in the face of Japheth's lack of reverence. The young man had been getting hot and heavy with some random smoking hot shapeshifting being. Witchcraft sounded stale in comparison.

"We—we are witches, so, so, we have powers and magic and stuff," Tanisha tried to explain but looked pathetic in the process.

"Right." Japheth pursed his lips. "Magic and stuff. Neither of which will be enough considering you're going up against God!"

"Well, once we sacrifice you to Thor, we'll have another god on our side." Tanisha's witchy smirk resurfaced.

"Who is Thor?"

"I don't know, some god from another myth your mother found," Tanisha shrugged.

"You are going to sacrifice me to a god who might be myth?" The question came as a whisper, as realization dawned on him. Japheth screamed. "Mother! Mama! Do not let them do this to me!"

"You realize your mummy is our supreme witch leader, right?" Tanisha cocked her head, her hands on her waist.

⁵⁰Done with the runes and enchantments, Gloria and Maeeda joined them at the altar.

"Let us be done with it," Gloria said as they circled Japheth.

"Mother, please! Please do not do this!"

"Thor Odinson, God of thunder and rain, of lightning, storms, and sacred groves! Heed our call!"

"Heed our call!" Maeeda and Tanisha intoned.

"It's me! It's Japheth! It's your boy! Mother!"

"Lend us your strength that we might hold back the fountains and save our world!"

"Heed our call!"

"Mama, please!"

"Thor Odinson, we offer you—"

⁵¹Tanisha hijacked the ritual. "We offer you the juiciest of boys because we heard a rumor you have a twink boy fetish!" she rushed it all out in one breath.

"Wait, really?" Maeeda struggled to hide her fascination.

"What. Is. Wrong. With. You?!" Gloria punctuated every word.

"Well, it is true," Tanisha scrunched her shoulders, quite satisfied with herself.

"I am not a twink," Japheth muttered under his breath.

"What did you say?" Tanisha looked down at him.

"I said I am not a twink!" Japheth announced a little louder."Well, forgive me for not brushing up on my gay lingo before breakfast," Tanisha sighed the biggest sigh. "And nobody cares! Compared to a god, you are an eternal twink, twink!" She brought her face up close to his, making sure he heard her loud and clear.

⁵²Gloria looked up to the ark's roof, lost in thought as the bickering carried on.

"Enough!" She slammed her hands on the altar, and everyone stopped squabbling, and silence fell in the circle. "Give me the fucking knife Tanisha!" She seethed through angry teeth.

Tanisha curtsied like a drama major, offering her the knife. Japheth's terrified eyes followed the blade.

"Mother—"

"We offer this sacrifice in bits and pieces."

"What?!"

⁵³Gloria ignored him and pulled at his ear, the blade's cold metal finding the soft cartilage of his ear.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Japheth was breathless.

Tanisha groaned with boredom. "Can we chop him to pieces already!"

"Please cut my other ear first. This is my good side. I cannot bear to die ugly." Japheth's body wracked with sobs.

⁵⁴The three women stared down at him, quite taken aback by the request. Wordlessly, Maeeda turned his head to the other ear. ⁵⁵Gloria and Tanisha were looking at her.

"We might as well," Maeeda said, pity in her eyes. "And for what it's worth Japheth, I don't think you're ugly."

The young man sniffled. "Thank you."

⁵⁶Gloria chopped off his ear, and Japheth screamed a shrill, earless scream.

"Thor Odinson! In your name, we seal his blood to this altar."

"Do his balls next!" Tanisha rubbed her palms in anticipation.

"Tanisha, I swear to God, when I get out of these ropes, you'll be the first I kill!" Japheth spat at her, blood streaking down his face, into his eyes, into his nostrils, into his mouth. Japheth was beautiful.

"Maybe in your next life!" Tanisha cackled, yanking down his pants as Japheth burst into heart-rending tears.

"I have come for young Japheth."

⁵⁷The three witches swung around to the origin of the voice. It was Sata. They stepped into the foray. ⁵⁸They were naked.

"Who are you supposed to be? Adam?" Tanisha pulled out another blade and pointed it at Sata's nakedness. She had many blades.

"Identify yourself!" Gloria echoed. "How did you get on this ark?"

"Japheth is my boyfriend."

"They are my friend."

⁵⁹Sata and Japheth both said at once. ⁶⁰And for a moment, all the animals ceased their chattering, and the storms stopped raging, just 'cause of the awkwardness in the room.

"Oh." Maeeda cupped her mouth. "Dramaaa."

"I'm sorry, I thought..." Sata's shoulders visibly dropped.

"We never labeled it, but I would like—" Japheth tried to salvage the situation.

"Never labeled it?" Sata was riled up. Japheth had never seen them riled up. "What about the fact that we've had intercourse twenty-five times in the last eight days! Label that!"

⁶¹Tanisha and Maeeda gasped in unison.

"Oh, honey, you were counting it?" Maeeda was genuinely disheartened on Sata's behalf.

"I've slept with a lot of people without labeling it." Japheth was fighting back.

"Really?" It was Tanisha, the most mocking, most sarcastic chuckle escaping her lips. "With whom? Kissing does not count."

"You don't know them Tanisha, they were from another village!"

"Sure, jerkmaster." ⁶²Tanisha let the laughter ring out from her unrestrained. It poured out in the most chaotic bouts, shaking her, her knees quaking to the ground. She tried to grab Maeeda for support, but the other witch stepped aside, letting Tanisha fall, her guffawing continuing as she sprawled out on the ark floor.

"This is an awful way to treat someone who likes you and is risking their life for yours." Maeeda looked down at Japheth, disappointment finding her eyes. "I always thought you different and more emotionally mature than your brothers. I guess I thought wrong."

⁶³Japheth, still tightly bound, blood trickling down the open gash on his head, looked up at Maeeda, guilt building in his eyes.

"I'm—I'm sorry." Japheth spun in Sata's direction. "I don't know why I said that. I was scared and afraid, and maybe it's because my mother and sisters-in-law are trying to murder me, so I panicked. I like you. I like you a lot. I like the way you stretch when you wake up. I like that you sometimes have horns, and other times you have a halo—"

"They have what?" Gloria cut in.

Japheth carried on. "I like the sweetness of your voice. I like the sparkle in your eyes. I like you, and I want to be your boyfriend."

⁶⁴Their eyes were locked on each other. Sata smiled the brightest smile.

"Great!" Tanisha dragged herself up from the ark floor, her laughing spree coming to an end. "We're about to be the homophobic witches who murdered the only gay people in this story."

"Oh God!" Maeeda hushed everyone. "If he is no longer a virgin, would Thor be angry we lied about that and strike us down? Is the sacrifice ruined?" She turned to Gloria for answers.

At this point, an exhausted Gloria went to sit on a pavement in the corner, her face bowed in utter resignation. "He—he didn't need to be a virgin. I made that up."

"And they say I'm messy." Tanisha let her excitement brim.

⁶⁵Maeeda's eyes flashed white. "And you spelled the sack to ensure Japheth was picked for the sacrifice."

Gloria's breath stiffened. "How—how do you know that?"

"I just saw it in the future."

"Perhaps try seeing more relevant things, you know, like a way to stop this flood," Tanisha gestured around to their current predicament.

"I cannot control its direction."

"Right. Right." Tanisha threw up her hands and steered the conversation back to Gloria. "So, you just wanted to murder Japheth? I thought he was your most beloved son?"

⁶⁶Gloria swallowed. "Japheth is unmarried. And I know we do not particularly like our spouses, but if our plan fails and the flood prevails, we would be the last people on earth, and then you'd be glad you still have husbands."

Tanisha walked up to Gloria and gently took her hands. "I'm going to hold your hand while saying this because I understand you're a boomer, but you need to try decentering men."

"I agree." Maeeda nodded. And Gloria threw her the most judgmental look ever recorded in biblical history.

"I aGreE," Gloria stood, mimicking her with vim and mockery, but mostly vim. "Were you decentering men when you slept with my husband?"

Tanisha cupped a scream. "You slept with Noah? But he's old and decrepit!"

"I—I—" Words failed Maeeda. She covered her face in embarrassment.

Tanisha put one arm over Maeeda's shoulder, and the other over Gloria's.

"Look at us, hm, united, messy, murderous women." Tanisha was enjoying not being the sole black sheep.

⁶⁷Then they heard running. ⁶⁸Japheth was no longer on the altar. He was slung over Sata's shoulder, and they were headed for the bunker door.

"Give him back!" The three witches stretched forth their hands, pulling Japheth's body back onto the altar.

⁶⁹And Sata roared into some creature of myth. ⁷⁰Their head was of a dragon. Their limbs were of ice and mountain rocks. Their body was a thunderstorm. And from their mouth poured forth coloured fire. And the fire befell the witches, and with all their might, the witches quenched the flames.

They battled for one thousand years. Not literally, it was just a drawn-out battle.

"We will battle forever, for I will not let you slay him!" Sata thundered.

"We will not hand him over!" Gloria thundered back. "I must slay him to save many. Do you know what that does to a mother? You have known him for a few fleeting moments, but I screamed him into this world!"

"And you will scream no more."

⁷¹Sata bit their finger, drawing blood. ⁷²Then they rushed past the witches, and the women held them back. ⁷³But Sata needed only touch the bloody gash on Japheth's head, and they did. And their blood met Japheth's, altering their boyfriend's blood to demon blood, making him unfit for the sacrifice.

"What have you done!" Gloria crumbled to the ground. "You have doomed us all."

⁷⁴And Gloria cried. The weight of their task had burdened her for days, and she had failed. She wanted to be done with it all. ⁷⁵She wanted to go home to her eleven siblings in Zimbabwe, drink hot cocoa, and jump in the Masaii Lake. ⁷⁶And Gloria cried, and she cried, and Maeeda held her hand.

"We will find another way." The younger woman squeezed the older woman's hand in reassurance.

⁷⁷Gloria smiled a weak but rising smile. ⁷⁸She turned to hold Tanisha's hand. Tanisha was gone.

"Where is that foolish girl!"

⁷⁹Like she'd heard Gloria, Tanisha burst back into the bunker holding a head in her hands. ⁸⁰It was Ham. Her husband. ⁸¹She skipped up to the altar and shoved Japheth off the stones.

"Won't be needing you anymore," she declared as Japheth's body rolled over. Sata ran over and began to untie their boyfriend.

Tanisha placed her husband's chopped-off bloodied head on the altar.

"Tanisha, what is this?" Gloria didn't even pretend to be shocked.

"The powerful gay sprite wasn't going to let us murder Japheth. We'd have been at it for centuries. So I brought an alternative." She gestured to the head. "You're welcome."

"Tanisha, the altar has already tasted Japheth's blood. We can't just replace him. You know this!"

"I'm sure Thor would not mind. Ham and Japheth are technically the same blood group or whatever. I murdered my husband for the sake of the world!"

"Tanisha what the hell!" It was Ham's head.

⁸²The three witches screamed and scattered back.

"Tanisha." Gloria calmed her heaving chest. "Why is your husband's severed head speaking?"

Tanisha slowly turned to her mother-in-law. "We are both witnessing this in real-time, at the same time, for the first time. My knowledge of Ham's talking head is the same as yours."

"Why did you kill me, Tanisha?" Ham continued. "I thought you liked me?"

"Ew, no," Tanisha recoiled. "I only married you to get a visa to get aboard the Ark."

"But I've been nothing but good to you. Why didn't you chop off my father's head, or Shem's head?"

⁸³Tanisha thought about it for a minute. "Well, upon reflection, those options were available, and... you've not done anything remotely awful to me. Wait... am I just an evil bitch?" Tanisha beamed, excited at her self-journey and self-discovery.

"Well, fuck you, Tanisha!" Ham's head was as bitter as a severed head could be.

"Fuck you too, Ham!"

"No, fuck you!"

"Fuck you!"

"Fuck—"

"Enough!" Gloria silenced them. "We had a flood to stop, and we failed. We are just three witches with no power to avert what is to come."

"Well, four." Sata joined them. "There's four witches now."

Gloria weighed Sata's words and aid.

"Still, we cannot stand against God and live. The risk is too great. Without the sacrifice, without another god, we are doomed."

⁸⁴Sata walked to Gloria, coming face to face with the old woman. "You are witches born of the damned, the cruel, the vengeful. You will hold back rain."

Chapter 8: A Series of Unfortunate Events.

¹And so the four witches banded around the altar, Ham's head still on the stones. They did not need it, but no one had cared to remove it. ²Together, the witches crafted a spell, one that did not require a god, and with this spell, they held back rain. And the fountains of the great abyss burst forth no longer, and the floodgates of the skies sealed shut.

³And in prompt retaliation, a sea of blood flooded the bunker, drowning the witches.

"What is happening!" Tanisha screamed, struggling to keep her head above the blood.

"God is fighting back with the plagues of Egypt!" Maeeda answered.

"What the hell are the plagues of Egypt!"

"Oh, my bad, it's something from the future!"

⁴Tanisha rolled her eyes as a tidal wave of blood crashed into her. ⁵The witches strained, finding each other, fighting back, and turning the blood into wine. Then, they drank it all up.

⁶So God sent frogs. Thousands of frogs descended upon them. And the witches had frog legs for dinner.

⁷So God sent lice. And the witches shaved their hair.

⁸So God sent flies. And Maeeda went into the future and returned with the most potent insecticide she could find, and they sprayed the flies to death.

⁹So God killed all the livestock, which was weird because they didn't have that many to begin with. So, that particular plague didn't do much.

¹⁰So God sent the boils. Dr Pimple Popper helped with that.

¹¹So God sent hail. Kind of laughable considering the witches had already discovered how to hold back rain and, in addition, hail.

¹²So God sent locusts. Insecticide, once again.

¹³So God sent darkness. Sending darkness upon witches, bred, and born in darkness, now that was ridiculous.

¹⁴So God killed all the firstborn sons, but the witches were not men.

¹⁵In the six hundredth year of Gloria's life, on the twenty-seventh day of the second month—on that day Gloria, Tanisha, Maeeda, and Sata averted the great flood, weathered the ten plagues, and saved a fifth of earth's population from genocide. ¹⁶And the waters receded from the earth until there was dry ground. ¹⁷The ark came to rest upon the mountains of Ararat. ¹⁸And the witches rejoiced, hugging each other.

"What a quaint set-up you have here."

¹⁹Everyone turned around to the voice. It was some random middle-aged mostly-caucasian man in a suit.

"Does this ark not have a bolt or something?" Tanisha unsheathed another blade. "People just keep waltzing in!"

"Who are you, sir?" Gloria stepped forward.

"I am that I am." The man loomed mighty over them as trumpets and hymn songs blasted out around Him. "Lily of the valley. King of Kings. Lord of Lords. Lion of the Tribe of Judah."

²⁰They all stared blankly at Him.

"I am God, but you can call me Chris." God pointed to the pink name tag on His jacket, the name Chris scribbled in ugly, near-unreadable handwriting.

"Chris?" Tanisha scoffed. "That's the whitest name ever."

"My mother gave me that name."

"Was your mother white?"

"What—what does that have to do with anything?"

"Deflection as a coping mechanism. Interesting." Taniaha said, scribbling intensely with a feather pen, onto a piece of parchment.

²¹God leaned forward, trying to glimpse whatever she was jotting down. "What are you—" God shook His head, snapping out of it. "Enough, you weird girl! How did you stop my flood?"

"Witchcraft," Maeeda answered straight up.

"Three witches are not powerful enough to avert my might."

"Four, actually."

"Four?"

²²Gloria, Maeeda, and Tanisha turned to Sata, who stood in a corner holding tightly onto Japheth. ²³God narrowed his eyes at them, and Sata inhaled, fear inking their eyes.

"Satan? Is that you, my dearest?"

"Satan?" Gloria looked from God to Sata and back again. "As in Lucifer the deceiver?"

"Sata is not a deceiver!" Japheth shielded Sata from their judging, prying eyes.

"Is that what they told you?" God let out a half-suppressed laugh. "Did they also tell you they loved you, and that beauty was many things?"

"What—" Japheth wanted to say something.

"Well, they told me the same things too, right before they tried to usurp my throne and name themself the most beautiful of all the celestials!"

"Wait... God was your toxic ex-boyfriend?" Japheth looked at Sata.

²⁴God's eyes widened in disbelief. "First of all, I am nobody's ex. And they were the toxic one!"

"I fled to earth because you wanted me dead," Sata stepped forward, speaking for the first time since God appeared. "Then you literally sent a flood to flush me out, you psychopath!"

"Wait, wait, time out, time out," Tanisha quieted everyone, knocking together the edges of her hands. "God, first things first, did you send a flood to flush out your ex, and in the process, drowned millions of people and their families?" Tanisha brought a faux microphone to God's mouth.

"How dare you question me?" God shoved the faux microphone out of His face. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts!"

"Yes, he did," Sata answered in His stead. "And yes, I admit I have done some heinous things, like the thing with Eve in The Garden of Eden, which I take full responsibility for," Sata clasped their hands in remorse. "But you are the evil in the world!"

"Oh shatafackup!" God spat, spittle flying out his mouth. "Listen and listen well dearest. You will die in this place. I will shred you to pieces, bit by bit, bone by bone, until you pray for death. Then I will pluck your beautiful eyes from your skull, and your beautiful voice from your tongue, and your beating heart from your chest, and I will set them afire atop a pyre, atop a hill, and the vultures they will come, and they will feast and feast, and I will take your trodden soul and—"

²⁵Gloria punched God square in the face, her fist finding His nose, crunching it up like biscuits.

"What in God's name—" God cried, holding up His bleeding nose. "I will smite you where you stand, you filthy peasant wi—"

He did not get to finish that sentence. ²⁶Gloria punched Him again, this time in the throat. And God wheezed back, choking on his saliva. ²⁷Tanisha eagerly joined the tag team match, kicking God hard in the balls. ²⁸Maeeda came running, grabbing God's head, and ramming her knees into His gut. ²⁹God reeled to the ground, throwing up what was probably a lovely brunch of sacrificed pigeons. ³⁰And the witches stomped him. Their feet stomping his head, stomping his legs, stomping his torso, stomping his butt cheeks. ³¹The animals on the bleachers cheered with every stomp.

³²Gloria turned to Japheth and Sata. "Run! Get out of here!"

And like they were told, Japheth and Sata picked themselves up and ran.

³³And through the stomping, God stretched forth his hand, grabbed Maeeda by the throat, and flung her across the bunker. Maeeda went sailing through the ark walls, her body smashing through pillars and pillars of cypress wood.

"Maeeda!" ³⁴Tanisha went after her, morphing into a pterodactyl and catching Maeeda mid-air, wrapping them in her wings before crashing into wood and rubble. ³⁵Tanisha unwrapped her wings, and there was her sister-in-law, hurt but alive.

"You saved me." Maeeda touched Tanisha's cheeks.

"You probably would have survived that."

"Still, here you are."

"Here I am." Tanisha softened, touching Maeeda's hand on her cheek.

³⁶Where they had left them, God and Gloria battled it out. ³⁷God set two bears on Gloria, and the old woman screamed. ³⁸Gloria slung a stone in a slingshot striking God in the forehead, and the middle-aged man cried hot tears. ³⁹God pushed Gloria down a well, and her wails echoed. ⁴⁰Gloria squashed God's balls in her palms, both of them screaming.

"Stay here." ⁴¹Tanisha caressed Maeeda's hair before running off to join the fight. She pulled another one of her blades and sped at God. When she got to Him, she swiped her blade at Him, once, twice. ⁴²God swerved, once, twice, the blade missing Him by a breath. Then God seized Tanisha's hand, twisting the knife out of it. As it fell, God caught it, and cleanly carved it into Gloria's neck. ⁴³Gloria did not scream; she just stood there. ⁴³And God did not stop; He stabbed her again, and again, and again. ⁴⁴Tanisha shrieked, leaping onto God's back, tearing, and clawing at Him, trying to get Him to stop. God did not stop. ⁴⁵When He finally did, He let go of Gloria, and the old woman fell. ⁴⁶She fell silent.

⁴⁷And God tore Tanisha off His back, flinging her away like a rag doll. ⁴⁸And the three witches lay scattered across the ark floor. Tanisha crawled over to Gloria. And so did Maeeda, and the women held each other.

"Quickly, Tanisha, channel me; we need to heal her!" ⁴⁹Maeeda grabbed Tanisha's hand, placing both their hands on Gloria's scarred and bloodied body.

"Maeeda, I— I—" Tears choked Tanisha, keeping her from forming words.

"What are you waiting for?!"

"Maeeda." Tanisha squeezed her sister-in-law's hand in hers and shook her head. There was little they could do.

⁵⁰And Maeeda wept, and she wept, and she wept, and Tanisha gathered Maeeda in her arms, weeping with her, and still, it was not enough.

"My daughters." Gloria's voice wafted in, pale and drifting.

"Mama." Both women held their mother, her blood painting their skin, her blood becoming their blood.

"Be mighty... as always."

⁵¹And a whale burst forth and swallowed Gloria's body.

Chapter 8: Maeedas

⁵²God scoffed, hands on His waist. "Forgive the intrusion, the old hag was taking forever."

"I make you a promise," ⁵³Maeeda glared at Him with barren eyes, avenging eyes. "You will die in this place."

"How dare you stand before my glory." With that, God became a blinding light. He was ten thousand suns. Maeeda and Tanisha screeched, hiding their faces, as the light singed their flesh. "I am the beginning and the end. Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. When the earth totters, it is I who keep its pillars steady. Come, see as I ground those pillars to dust."

⁵⁴With that, the hosts of heaven descended upon the ark, upon the earth. Angels of war in the brightest armor, atop chariots of fire, their swords holy, fueled with righteous rage.

"Kill them slowly and decimate all of humanity just for fun." God departed, cat-walking off the ark. "I have an ex to slay."

And the angels came slaughtering the survivors of the flood in their thousands. And the angels came surrounding Tanisha and Maeeda. ⁵⁵And in those final moments, there was no one in the world the two witches would rather die beside.

"On your left, Maeeda."

"Who was that?" A startled Maeeda darted around, wiping her tears. "And why are they quoting a line from Avengers: Endgame?"

"Maeeda, that—that sounded like you," Tanisha whispered after her.

⁵⁶The voice was Maeeda's: a cybernetic Maeeda from the year 2556. As the angels gathered in their multitudes, Cybernetic Maeeda clinked over to Ark Maeeda, and stretched her bionic arm to her. "This is not where we die."

⁵⁷And Ark Maeeda took Cybernetic Maeeda's hand.

⁵⁸And there came other Maeedas. Renaissance Maeeda, Stone Age Maeeda, Gen-Z Maeeda, Middle-Grade Author Maeeda, Steam-Punk Maeeda, Roman Emperor Maeeda, Bronze era Maeeda, Classical Maeeda, Power Puff Girl Maeeda, Lego Maeeda, Inventor Maeeda, Assassin Maeeda, Transformers Maeeda, Disney Princess Maeeda, Victorian Era Maeeda, Apocalypse Maeeda.... ⁵⁹And like the angels, the Maeedas were multitude, too.

"Now that's how you use a time-warping future-telling seer ability!" Tanisha cried with glee. "Kill these winged motherfuckers!" She pointed another one of her many blades towards the angels.

⁶⁰And the Maeedas and the angels of God went to war.

Chapter 8: Google Search: What to do if God is Your Toxic Ex-boyfriend?

⁶¹Japheth and Sata ran out of the ark, up thirty hills, down thirty valleys, and they kept running.

"Wait." ⁶²Sata stopped, and looked back, and turned into a pillar of salt. ⁶³Sorry, wrong bible story. ⁶⁴Sata turned and looked back, far into the distance, to the Ararat mountains where the ark now rested. "The witches, they must need our help."

"Sata, they asked us to run."

"And we have. Maybe, this is where we turn back."

"Sata." Japheth held their face in his hands. "God wants to see you die screaming. I will die before I let that happen."

"My love, when death comes for you, she will find me with daggers drawn."

⁶⁵And Japheth and Sata brought their foreheads to each other, and they stayed in each other. It was decided. ⁶⁶They turned and headed back for the ark, and there was God sitting in their path.

"I hate a love story that doesn't include me." God was boiling over with envy and spite.

⁶⁷Japheth attacked, charging forward. God flung him aside. "Peasant."

⁶⁸Sata ran to their boyfriend, and God pulled them back. "Come here, you little wench!" And God slapped them into the ground, the earth cracking open as their tender body smashed into it. ⁶⁹Then God, like the dramatic diva that He was, slowly and sexily crawled on top of Sata and began pummeling their face into the earth.

"I told you I would break you to pieces!" God punched and punched, and the cracks in the earth widened, spewing forth lava and hot ash.

"Please stop!" Japheth pleaded, bursting into tears as he tried to get close, but the punches birthed earthquakes, and Japheth could barely stand in the chaos.

"You should have loved me!" God cried, hammering Sata with more brutal blows. "I wanted you to love me!"

"I did..." Sata moaned, blood spurting from all the cuts on their beautiful face. "For a while."

⁷⁰God held back His punches, His eyes softening. "Why did you stop my love?"

"Because—because I realized you were a jealous egomaniac narcissistic psychopathic bitch," Sata said calmly.

God flashed with rage and pestilence. "Arghhh!!!" ⁷¹He screamed like a tantrum-throwing toddler, lifting His fist once again. Bringing it down upon Sata, someone caught His arm mid-air.

"Pick on someone your own size."

⁷²It was Thor. Actually, She went by Thorine now. ⁷³And Thorine swung Her hammer into God's face, sending Him skeeting across the plains. And God rose from the plains, furious, seething with retribution. ⁷⁴He sped at Thorine, but something, someone held his leg back, and God tripped, falling flat on His face. And God looked back to what had caused His fall.

⁷⁵It was Lego Maeeda.

"What in God's name are you?" ⁷⁶God tried to banish her from his presence, and another hand grabbed his arm. ⁷⁷It was Middle-Grade author Maeeda.

⁷⁸And all the Maeedas came in their multitude, they came besieging God, and at the helm of command was Maeeda and Tanisha holding hands.

"I made you a promise." Maeeda looked God in the eyes. "I will keep it."

"What did you do with my angels!"

"We plucked and ate them." ⁷⁹Tanisha belched, a feather escaping her mouth. ⁸⁰She glanced over at Thorine. "Girl, we got this."

And Thorine bade them farewell, spun Her hammer, and flew, disappearing into the universe.

⁸¹Tanisha and all the Maeedas dragged God back to the ark, back to the altar filled with water, and they held his head in the water, and God tore, and God flailed, and they held him down. ⁸²And God drowned. Then they chopped him to pieces, starting with his good side, and sacrificed him on the altar to whatever mythical god was interested.

Chapter 8: Two by Two

⁸³As the animals exited the ark in pairs, so did Tanisha and Maeeda, and Japheth and Sata. ⁸⁴The sun came forth, lighting the horizon in radiant fire, bringing warmth to the earth. Grass peeped through soil, reaching for light, leaning in the breeze. Music hummed from the ocean depths, and the birds found wind, their songs sailing—

"Tanisha!" ⁸⁵Someone yelled, interrupting my melodic narration. ⁸⁶It was Noah. He sauntered up the ramp, squeezing past two hippopotamuses. "I have looked everywhere for the lot of you! Where is Gloria? Where is every—"

"Get the hell out of our way!" ⁸⁷Tanisha pushed the old man aside, and he fell off the ramp and died.

⁸⁸I resumed my narration. The earth welcomed its saviors in an embrace. Across the lands, high in the mountains, and deep in the seas, the antelopes grazed, the mountain lions roared, and the whales whistled, grateful to be—

"Maeeda!" ⁸⁹Another interruption. It was Shem.

"Can't we just have a moment!" Tanisha threw a tantrum, jumping and stomping repeatedly on the ramp.

⁹⁰Shem ran up to meet them, ducking under two giraffes.

"Maeeda, dearest wife, I have looked all over for you." He hugged her. "Where have you been? Where is Father, Mother and Ham?" He looked to Japheth.

"They are dead." Tanisha did not blink.

"What—what do you mean—"

⁹¹Without giving him a second to recover from the demise of his parents and brother, "Shem, I want a divorce," Maeeda added.

"A divorce? What is a divorce?"

"Oh, apologies." Maeeda shook her head. "It's something I picked up from the future."

"The future?"

⁹²Maeeda heaved a tired sigh. "Shem, Tanisha is my girlfriend now."

Maeeda took Tanisha's hand, and Tanisha smiled a witchy, victorious smile at Shem.

"I don't—I don't understand—"

Tanisha brought a finger to his lips, shushing him. "You don't need to. But in summary, your wife is mine now."

"Okay. Bye now," Maeeda wrapped up the discussion as they left Shem in discombobulation and continued down the ramp.

⁹³And the four of them, Tanisha, Maeeda, Japheth, and Sata, sat on a rock and watched the sunrise.

"Where do we go from here?" Maeeda broke the peaceful silence.

"Wherever we want." Japheth looked at her and smiled.

"So—ehm, Japheth, I was wondering if you'd like to come live with me," Sata squeaked shyly.

"Oh..."

"I was just thinking aloud, you certainly don't have to, only if you want to. And it's okay if you don't want to. I know we just met and all, but I—I really like you, and I think you're the prettiest boy I have ever seen, and I—"

"So, where is this place you live?" Japheth took Sata's hand.

"Well... hell."

"Hell?"

"Yes, you know, me being the prince of hell and all." Sata gestured at their horns. "And you being a demon now, you'd fit right in."

"Oh right." Japheth had forgotten that.

"It is a bit warm this time of year, the good kind of warm, but we can go somewhere else if you're not okay—"

⁹⁴Japheth kissed Sata, and a rainbow came arching above them, a sign that God would never destroy the earth with a flood again. ⁹⁵But God was gone, so it was now just a sign of their love.

"Yes, I'd love to go to hell with you."

Sata gleamed like five schoolgirls with stupid crushes.

"Can we come too?" Tanisha and Maeeda pleaded with puppy eyes.

"Yes, yes, you can come too."

And two by two, they all went to hell.

The End.

Tune in next week for another episode of Untold Bible Stories: Accounts from a Former Bible Scholar Gone Rogue.

© 2024 Somto Ihezue